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// November 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // dirt on the author, humour, quotes
A friend posted this on Facebook – I happen to agree…
Words of Wisdom from Tim Minchin:
“By definition”, I begin
“Alternative Medicine”, I continue
“Has either not been proved to work,
Or been proved not to work.
You know what they call alternative medicine that’s been proved to work..?
Medicine.”
// August 13th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // humour
I don’t know where it came from, but kudo’s to you, I nearly spat out my coffee.
>> Thanks to evilweevil, the comic is called Abstruse Goose and promises many hours of not-work ahead!
// February 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // humour, random madness
Today’s theme is COWS, kiddies. For 3 reasons
1. I awoke to this year under a warm steamy pile of cow poo, which appears to be getting bigger faster than I can dig myself out of it. Tomorrow I shall be provided a periscope from my employer in order to see exactly how many more cows’ bottoms are aligned and ready to poop. I am as excited as a very small, furry excited thing, I can tell you. (And everything hippies say about little freezing swallows and warm piles of cow poo? Absolute bollocks – it’s a KAK place to be)
2. I have a strange love of all things bovine (for reasons unknown to me), including the little drawing on the left (artist unknown, but much respected)
3. I was sent this email today – it’s done the rounds a zillion times in a zillion formats, but I particularly like the inclusion of Australia in this version.
Finance for non-financial Managers OR A million ways to worry a cow.
A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You make biltong…
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
- You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You go on strike because you want three cows.
- They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime’ and steal someone else’s cows and shoot their owner.
A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
- A farmer has two cows.
- You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
- You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- Both are mad.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You pray to them for food.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
- You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You count them and learn you have five cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
- You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
- You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You have 300 people milking them.
- You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute…
// November 19th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // humour, random madness
Again, apologies for not posting for ages..I know my whole 3 readers have really really missed me …you have , right? Guys?…Guys?………uys…………uys…..…..s?
What with extreme insanity in my life right now, I’m finding it fucking hard to smile – I’m seeing a pattern with my posting. When I find something funny enough to pull me out of a really bad space, I have to share it, so here it is….some real and very earnestly expressed concerns from future World Cup 2010 visitors to our wonderful country.
Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup Questions
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website by foreigners around the world and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes…
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do..
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.
// September 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, Uncategorized
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation – just remember, it could have been worse. I cannot stand them myself and have firmly held opionions that what goes down should come up as well. Business in this country sadly hasn’t quite grasped the concept of bottom-up performance assessments as opposed to the usual top-down variety (you know what they say about monkeys, trees and management?). This trend is most likely a directive straight from government, who are most eager to avoid careful examination by those monkeys at the bottom of the tree.
These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations (or so it says in ther email sent to me this morning, which cheered me up no end) ENJOY…
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed”.
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together..”
11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.”
32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”
33. “Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn’t looking”
// August 18th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, marketing
Hey blogverse – it’s been frikken ages since my last post, and I can only excuse myself by saying that I’ve been up to absolutely no good. Today I received this and as I’m giving up smoking at the moment, I’m very in touch with my inner bitch and I couldn’t resist posting it.
It is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products (read: sanitary pads). It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Just a word to the wise Mr Thatcher…you’re lucky the complaint was in written form. If she’d been in the same room as you, you’d probably be a testicle or two short by now.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
// February 12th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // humour, marketing
So it’s official…the world is in the worst economic crisis since the great depression and that’s no laughing matter. Some very near and dear friends and family have been cast into very dark places by the goings on in international markets, and a lot of people out there are wondering for the first time what the future really holds.
We’ve been relatively lucky here in South Africa and compared to those in Europe, America and especially Britain we’ve been pretty sheltered from the worst of it (so far), thanks to some sound fiscal policies implemented just in time (thank god for Clever Trevor!).
But again, to all of you feeling the pain out there, my heart goes out to you. Some enterprising soul redesigned some of the better known brands, just in case they survive the crisis – hope they bring a smile to your tear-stained faces 
// February 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, science
This has been floating around for years, and I’m so glad I found it again because it always cracks me up! For my sins I did first year chemistry, and I always viewed it as a kind of advanced cooking class – I loved blowing shit up, but the theory always gave me serious headaches. Looking back, I wish I’d had the bottle to amuse my professors like this instead of cursing them when I didn’t know the answers…
By email:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
// January 8th, 2009 // 6 Comments » // humour, quotes, random madness
I’ll be the first to admit that this is very sad, but some of these actually had me crying with laughter.
You must remember doing “creative writing” at school? These guys put my tweenage ramblings to shame.
// December 11th, 2008 // No Comments » // humour, politics
Being a peace-loving hippy (and secret anarchist) I’ve always considered Nationalism a very dangerous beast, as opposed to say freedom of choice, global oneness and other sane concepts. Found this little gem at http://www.sharenator.com
