ShareThis

Posts Tagged ‘cracked’

The still-attacking cocaine samurai.

// September 27th, 2010 // No Comments » // humour, pirates

This is the funniest line I have read in a long while. It appeared in the article I will post below, in which I will highlight other lines. These are lines which I have stored up for occasions that require raucous laughter in future in the same way a battery might store potential energy.

The article is from my all time favourite top time-wasting website, CRACKED.COM There are few things that will induce me to laugh out loud when no-one else is around – the Cracked writers are one of those things.

6 Insane True Stories Too Awesome for a Chuck Norris Movie

This is Story #1: Attacker is Stumped

Peter Rogers was pounding back a few brews with friends at a pub when he heard someone yell, “There’s the c**t!” Seconds later, he realized he was the “c**t” when he was hit from behind with a hammer.

The hammer-bearer was quickly subdued by staff, but this only left another attacker with a clear path to Rogers. And instead of carrying a hammer, this guy was carrying a samurai sword. That was when Charles Russell, a confessed cocaine addict, smoothly hacked off Roger’s left hand with one clean blow. Witnesses say the hand fell to the floor.

What Happened Next:

Apparently, Rogers didn’t notice that his hand was missing, because his attention was focused on the still attacking cocaine samurai.

Struggling for control, Rogers punched Russell right in the face with his newly hewn stump, raising the bar for testicular fortitude to a level no ordinary man could ever hope to reach. The staff came to Rogers’ aid soon after, and the severed hand was later reattached, possibly by Rogers himself with a blowtorch. So what had initiated the attack in the first place? Somebody told the samurai sword drug addict that Rogers had insulted Russell’s mother.

Fair enough.

FRESH CARNAGE

// May 10th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // dirt on the author, marketing

In honour of my failing pain meds, a non-stop marathon of Law and Order SVUĀ  and the devious douchebags I used to work for, I have decided on a nice bloodspatter reskin for the blog. Seriously folks, after the balding psychopath manager (am I the only one who finds hair loss more disturbing on a woman?), the conniving fucks in our HR department and my exploding gallbladder, I think I’ve fulfilled my “shit I have to put up with” quota for this year.

I have found sanity and freedom in going freelance and doing the jobs I want to do, rather than taking orders from the likes of menopausal mary. I must admit to getting a jolly dose of shadenfreude at seeing the shocking standards of the design work that haveĀ  prospered in my absence…courtesy of our HR director’s daughter I’m told! (Can you spell nepotism? Oh It’s OK if the DA does it…its just when the ANC gets away with it that it becomes an issue.) I must say, life is a lot warmer down here in reality… far away from the that mythical terrain, the moral higher ground, that the DA grubs to occupy.

I also get to spend a lot more time doing the things I want to do, and one of those things is Cracked.com. I swear this site has improved my recovery speed and is not only prime A-grade time-wasting gold, but is actually quite informative (assuming you find knowing the 6 most horrid ways to die as useful as I do), as well as having a name I can totally relate to.

Here, courtesy of my now non-existent gallbladder, are my 10 fave articles for the last few months:

article image

article image

article image
article image

article image
article image

article image

and the cherry on top….