wikidknickers

WHICH DIRECTION IS NORTH IN SOUTH AFRICA? A FIFA IDIOT’S GUIDE

// November 19th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness, humour, random madness

Again, apologies for not posting for ages..I know my whole 3 readers have really really missed me …you have , right? Guys?…Guys?………uys…………uys…..…..s?

What with extreme insanity in my life right now, I’m finding it fucking hard to smile – I’m seeing a pattern with my posting. When I find something funny enough to pull me out of a really bad space, I have to share it, so here it is….some real and very earnestly expressed concerns from future World Cup 2010 visitors to our wonderful country.

Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup Questions
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website by foreigners around the world and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!). 

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes…

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do..

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.

SO HOW’S YOUR MONDAY SO FAR…?

// October 19th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

I HAD TO

// October 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

BECAUSE IT MADE ME CRY

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

// September 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized, humour, lists

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation – just remember, it could have been worse. I cannot stand them myself and have firmly held opionions that what goes down should come up as well. Business in this country sadly hasn’t quite grasped the concept of bottom-up performance assessments as opposed to the usual top-down variety (you know what they say about monkeys, trees and management?). This trend is most likely a directive straight from government, who are most eager to avoid careful  examination by those monkeys at the bottom of the tree.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations (or so it says in ther email sent to me this morning, which cheered me up no end) ENJOY…

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed”.

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together..”

11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”

33. “Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn’t looking”

HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD? PATRONISE AT YOUR PERIL, BOYS

// August 18th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, marketing

Hey blogverse – it’s been frikken ages since my last post, and I can only excuse myself by saying that I’ve been up to absolutely no good. Today I received this and as I’m giving up smoking at the moment, I’m very in touch with my inner bitch and I couldn’t resist posting it.

It is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products (read: sanitary pads). It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Just a word to the wise Mr Thatcher…you’re lucky the complaint was in written form. If she’d been in the same room as you, you’d probably be a testicle or two short by now.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . .

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

HEAVY SLEEPER?

// June 27th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness

The best alarm clock ever? I can totally relate to this guy’s problem – I have massive issues getting up in the morning. If it weren’t for the sound of the air-compressor, I’d seriously consider giving him a call.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

// June 13th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, marketing, politics

So the Department of Local Government and Housing in Gauteng took out the following half -page ad in the Sowetan yesterday (probably costing tens of thousands of rands?), advertising the free electricity they would be providing. Now I’m not trying to be disparaging (well, yes I am actually, but only a little bit), but really – that was the only picture you could find? Epic marketing fail!

It was the source of many a throaty chuckle at the office – could it be that this dimly lit promise is a portent of the delivery we are to expect from the ANC in the next 5 years? Only time will tell I guess…

WEB AFRICA TO THE RESCUE (AGAIN)

// May 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // geek stuff

So I’ve had my week’s worth of being mostly unconscious, and am almost ready to rejoin the blogoshphere (if only to get that damn picture off my homepage – there’s only so much one can take of David Hasslehoff’s crotch).

As you will see, the blog has yet another template and a shiny new host in Web Africa – the switchover was pretty disastrous (and more than this I shall not mention for fear of inventing new swearwords – suffice to say, nothing to do with them and mostly to do with my not backing up regularly enough plus a hearty dose of  miscommunication) and my whole database was inadvertently jettisoned into cyberspace. Fortunately for me, these guys were really on the ball and helped me restore it within 24 hrs, not to mention being super-friendly and very patient with the n00b I am.

A couple of hiccups later, and all is as it should be. The theme, and I know there’s still a lot of orange (I like orange, OK – my genes were spliced in the 70′s), is in it’s infancy, and I intend to do much experimentation and adding of exciting new plugins and widgets. The quotes widget, which I totally love, and which didn’t seem to work with my last template is now mostly working and will be updated frequently. There are many things about the blog and theme which need work, I do know this and I am working on it (when I have time), but any feedback or comments would be much appreciated.

That’s it for now…a really big THANKS to Web Africa for all their help in restoring my database – you get the superhero-of-the-week award. Thanks also to Jayx for hosting up till now.

WRONG…JUST WRONG

// April 18th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness, humour, random madness

I haven’t blogged for a while, and with the elections only a few days away and my planned lapse into prolonged unconsciousness for a few weeks thereafter, I probably won’t blog again in a while. I have just acquired a new housemate, who by cool coincidence, also happens to be a good friend of mine. He seems to believe that this means he can use me as a grossout guinea-pig. You know, when your house/office-mate yells from the next room “You won’t believe what I found on the internet..You GOTTA see this….”, and foolishly, you do. And spend the rest of the day regretting it.

Lucas (and most of the boys, in fact), are seasoned experts in finding (and sharing…WHY GOD WHY??) the scariest internet memes, grossout pictures and images of disfiguring skin diseases, mutilation and other bulemic aids. At this point I shall very nearly refrain from mentioning the “spin me right round” gay porn clip. And don’t get me started on cock-polyps (I shall never look at a sea anemone the same way again).

Just because he’s so sensitive to my extremely precarious emotional state, Lucas chose tonight to show me this:

Quite hypnotic, isn’t it…what more can I say? I viewed the resurgence of the Hoff with as much skepticism as anyone else, but I’ll give the guy credit – he’s hung in there (oh god that sounded wrong). But when I return to my desktop to find that my wallpaper has once again been changed (a favorite gesture of afffection) to this? Let’s just say the men in white coats are one step closer.

MADE IN CHINA

// March 26th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // humour, politics

Of the many blunders made by the South African government for my personal amusement, the latest has to take the cake…we have denied the Dalai Lama (you know that robe-wearing Ambassador of peace?) a visa to enter the country to attend a 2010 World Cup-organised peace conference in Johannesburg on Friday…

“A choice was made in this particular case that our interests will be better served if we give priority to making sure that we don’t jeopardise our bilateral relations with China…” government spokesperson Themba Maseko said in the statement.

Fortunately for us, South African Nobel Peace Prize Laureates FW De Klerk and Desmond  Tutu refused to attend the conference if the Dalai Lama wasn’t given pernission to enter the country, and now the conference has been cancelled – suck on that you douches!. As if that weren’t enough, the fate of Barbara Hogan the one person who dared to speak out (and incidentally also the only decent health minister we’ve had in 10 years after the liver-stealing alcoholic train-wreck that was Manto) now hangs in the balance because she dared express a modicum of reason and common sense.

In your honour, dear wankelburgs, i have put together a splendid little representation of what South Africa is rapidly becoming thanks to you… (thanks to Peter Sserwanga for the inspiration)