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// June 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // humour, random madness
I really wish this was real, but it ain’t. Which is totally beside the point because it totally cracks me up. It features a reporter attempting serious journalism, while standing downwind from an operation to burn piles of confiscated marijuana. Downwind, yes…
Thanks to Gwen for the email.
// May 16th, 2010 // No Comments » // politics, random madness, the deep stuff
Note: Political correctness goes out the window here, so disappear if you’re likely to get precious
I was channel-surfing the other day and happened upon the Jerry Springer show (which I still maintain is a great way to feel better about yourself and the fact you don’t come from the American South – unless you do, that is…). I lingered a while as a large trailer-dwelling lady launched herself at a tiny tattooed man who had been sleeping with her rotund and by this stage, half naked, husband. Snap to Jerry looking bemused, and suddenly a dude climbs onto the stage on his hands. With no lower half. Literally – half a dude, walking on his hands, holding an envelope for Jerry.
After 2 intolerably boring weeks of recuperation, this shit stopped me in my tracks and I was forced to do some Googling. Turns out the guy’s name is Kenny Easterday and he works on the show as ‘The Messenger’ (bit of an ominous name, or do I watch too many horror flicks?). Anyway, Kenny (more pics here, for the rubberneckers) is in his mid-30′s, has never used prosthetics and has just fathered a child (yes, that bit is normal, according to his fiancée).
Given the choice I am someone who would rather look and acknowledge than turn away in pity, although it seems to be increasingly in human nature to get all bleeding heart liberal and ultimately patronise the shit out of the disabled. As someone who has their own little genetic cross to bear, I saw the ugly end of discrimination working for the Democratic Alliance (particularly ironic at the hands of a political party who claims to oppose it).
Kenny’s story led me to www.phreeque.com which as a lover of all things bizarre, I found totally fascinating. The site features what the author terms ‘frank discussions and vivid images of human beings with birth defects, many of whom were at one time exhibited for profit’, including bearded ladies (who knew?! I thought they were shaved bears), alligator-skinned men, lobster-men, 3-legged people and conjoined twins.
According to the author, most of these people were highly intelligent, sensitive individuals. The vast majority married (often within the carnival communities) and many had children where their deformities allowed. With a few utterly tragic exceptions, most chose to be exhibited, and generally they made a shiteload of cash (compared to their uneducated peers) – enough to support families and buy property. As babies not many of these people were expected to live long. Given a life with others within the sideshows and carnivals, they generally seem to have prospered to old age. Despite how difficult a life it must have been, I have to wonder whether being with others similarly disabled was a happier existence than braving such disability alone.
Judging from the amount of hate-mail the site gets, people seem to think they have a god-given right to champion the disabled, whether they ask for it or not – I didn’t see any disabled people actually weighing in there. Laws have been implemented in some countries, preventing people from exhibiting their deformities, preventing shows and exhibitions. In other countries, the odd sideshow still happens, including a tribute to these folks by cirque du soliel. In a world so mad people are getting arrested for selling goldfish to children, what does ‘politically correct’ even mean any more?
Now of course we don’t need the the freak shows, we have daytime television instead. In today’s media-dominated, image obsessed world with its mass-propagated ideas of perfection, exploitation of strangeness has worsened and I suspect the sense of isolation felt by the truly different has too.
// February 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // business, funness, humour, random madness
Today’s theme is COWS, kiddies. For 3 reasons
1. I awoke to this year under a warm steamy pile of cow poo, which appears to be getting bigger faster than I can dig myself out of it. Tomorrow I shall be provided a periscope from my employer in order to see exactly how many more cows’ bottoms are aligned and ready to poop. I am as excited as a very small, furry excited thing, I can tell you. (And everything hippies say about little freezing swallows and warm piles of cow poo? Absolute bollocks – it’s a KAK place to be)
2. I have a strange love of all things bovine (for reasons unknown to me), including the little drawing on the left (artist unknown, but much respected)
3. I was sent this email today – it’s done the rounds a zillion times in a zillion formats, but I particularly like the inclusion of Australia in this version.
Finance for non-financial Managers OR A million ways to worry a cow.
A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You make biltong…
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
- You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You go on strike because you want three cows.
- They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime’ and steal someone else’s cows and shoot their owner.
A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
- A farmer has two cows.
- You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
- You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- Both are mad.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You pray to them for food.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
- You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You count them and learn you have five cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
- You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
- You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
- You have 300 people milking them.
- You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
- You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute…
// November 19th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness, humour, random madness
Again, apologies for not posting for ages..I know my whole 3 readers have really really missed me …you have , right? Guys?…Guys?………uys…………uys…..…..s?
What with extreme insanity in my life right now, I’m finding it fucking hard to smile – I’m seeing a pattern with my posting. When I find something funny enough to pull me out of a really bad space, I have to share it, so here it is….some real and very earnestly expressed concerns from future World Cup 2010 visitors to our wonderful country.
Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup Questions
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website by foreigners around the world and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes…
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do..
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.
// April 18th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness, humour, random madness
I haven’t blogged for a while, and with the elections only a few days away and my planned lapse into prolonged unconsciousness for a few weeks thereafter, I probably won’t blog again in a while. I have just acquired a new housemate, who by cool coincidence, also happens to be a good friend of mine. He seems to believe that this means he can use me as a grossout guinea-pig. You know, when your house/office-mate yells from the next room “You won’t believe what I found on the internet..You GOTTA see this….”, and foolishly, you do. And spend the rest of the day regretting it.
Lucas (and most of the boys, in fact), are seasoned experts in finding (and sharing…WHY GOD WHY??) the scariest internet memes, grossout pictures and images of disfiguring skin diseases, mutilation and other bulemic aids. At this point I shall very nearly refrain from mentioning the “spin me right round” gay porn clip. And don’t get me started on cock-polyps (I shall never look at a sea anemone the same way again).
Just because he’s so sensitive to my extremely precarious emotional state, Lucas chose tonight to show me this:
Quite hypnotic, isn’t it…what more can I say? I viewed the resurgence of the Hoff with as much skepticism as anyone else, but I’ll give the guy credit – he’s hung in there (oh god that sounded wrong). But when I return to my desktop to find that my wallpaper has once again been changed (a favorite gesture of afffection) to this? Let’s just say the men in white coats are one step closer.
// January 24th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, random madness
This is a christening cake FAIL …I found it disturbing on so many levels…
For more serious FAIL cakes, check out http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
// January 8th, 2009 // 6 Comments » // funness, humour, lists, quotes, random madness
I’ll be the first to admit that this is very sad, but some of these actually had me crying with laughter.
You must remember doing “creative writing” at school? These guys put my tweenage ramblings to shame.
// January 6th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // humour, random madness
Funny mistranslations of Chinese to English and no doubt vice-versa, abound on the web. I happened upon this classic example on a packet of tissues given to me by a mate yesterday. It left me felling very heppy and giggling most jocundly.
classic chinglish
Humour is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humour; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
—
Knickertweets
