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FRESH CARNAGE

// May 10th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // dirt on the author, lists, marketing

In honour of my failing pain meds, a non-stop marathon of Law and Order SVU  and the devious douchebags I used to work for, I have decided on a nice bloodspatter reskin for the blog. Seriously folks, after the balding psychopath manager (am I the only one who finds hair loss more disturbing on a woman?), the conniving fucks in our HR department and my exploding gallbladder, I think I’ve fulfilled my “shit I have to put up with” quota for this year.

I have found sanity and freedom in going freelance and doing the jobs I want to do, rather than taking orders from the likes of menopausal mary. I must admit to getting a jolly dose of shadenfreude at seeing the shocking standards of the design work that have  prospered in my absence…courtesy of our HR director’s daughter I’m told! (Can you spell nepotism? Oh It’s OK if the DA does it…its just when the ANC gets away with it that it becomes an issue.) I must say, life is a lot warmer down here in reality… far away from the that mythical terrain, the moral higher ground, that the DA grubs to occupy.

I also get to spend a lot more time doing the things I want to do, and one of those things is Cracked.com. I swear this site has improved my recovery speed and is not only prime A-grade time-wasting gold, but is actually quite informative (assuming you find knowing the 6 most horrid ways to die as useful as I do), as well as having a name I can totally relate to.

Here, courtesy of my now non-existent gallbladder, are my 10 fave articles for the last few months:

8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk

7 Man-Made Substances that Laugh in the Face of Physics

6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)

12 ‘Sexy’ Ads That Will Give You Nightmares

The 5 Creepiest Unsolved Crimes Nobody Can Explain

6 Real People Who Turned Their Homes Into Death Traps

and the cherry on top….

Twilight – making vampires gay since 2005

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

// September 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized, humour, lists

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation – just remember, it could have been worse. I cannot stand them myself and have firmly held opionions that what goes down should come up as well. Business in this country sadly hasn’t quite grasped the concept of bottom-up performance assessments as opposed to the usual top-down variety (you know what they say about monkeys, trees and management?). This trend is most likely a directive straight from government, who are most eager to avoid careful  examination by those monkeys at the bottom of the tree.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations (or so it says in ther email sent to me this morning, which cheered me up no end) ENJOY…

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed”.

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together..”

11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”

33. “Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn’t looking”

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING…

// January 8th, 2009 // 6 Comments » // funness, humour, lists, quotes, random madness

I’ll be the first to admit that this is very sad, but some of these actually had me crying with laughter.

You must remember doing “creative writing” at school? These guys put my tweenage ramblings to shame.

SAGE ADVICE FOR A BLUE SUNDAY

// September 7th, 2008 // No Comments » // humour, lists, quotes, random madness

- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

- Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

THE OLD NEW FACEBOOK

// September 2nd, 2008 // No Comments » // business, humour, lists

Guys, forgive me for this…I HAD to post it because I’m still giggling. To those of you who have Facebook accounts, enjoy. To those who don’t, GET Facebook accounts, and then enjoy!!

(Click image to view full size – sorry about the poor quality)

P.S. You can catch me on Facebook here >>

TEN RULES FOR BEING HUMAN

// August 27th, 2008 // No Comments » // lists, quotes, the deep stuff

I stumbled upon the list below on the net today, and despite the fact that I normally *despise* these life-advice posts, this one actually came pretty near to making some sense.

As I’ve not yet done an ‘about’ section on this blog, (Yeah..I’m getting around to it but my other priorities – coffee, cigarettes, Nicholas Cage, etc – always seem to get in the way) this post by Cherie Carter-Scott actually comes pretty close to my views on growing up (which I will get right eventually…ummm… right mom?)

Ten Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

IT’S ALL IN A NAME

// August 10th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // humour, lists, random madness

So I’ve been in a very non-bloggish kind of mood for a while and decided go go out shopping (window shopping, of course, on account of having had another one-night stand with my paycheck) and I *came* across the following shop, which, despite the name, ironically seemed to be selling chiefly Christian-themed books.

My mind does not normally reside in the gutter, but I mean, come on folks – you didn’t put any thought into this did you? Perhaps you’re too pure of thought to ever consider it being an issue? Perhaps I’ve just been around the block so often the all the parking attendants know my birthday, shoe size and favorite serial killer movie.

This also put me in mind of something my BGF Janette sent me, which I’m sure has popped up all over the web, so I won’t be able to quote the original source. It’s a list of company URL’s a la Drew Peacock (say it quickly 5 times), that were obviously not scrutinized before they were unleashed on an unsuspecting public. Naturally that element of said public (including yours truly) that giggles when people fart, still think Beavis and Butthead are cool and probably watches Southpark, had a look at these names, went *snark snark* and recorded them for posterity. In keeping with their valiant efforts, here they are again…

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at (well disturbing) www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Nuff said

JEHOVAH’S WAITRESSES & THE VELCRO PYGMIES … NEED I SAY MORE?

// July 31st, 2008 // 5 Comments » // humour, lists, random madness

Just came back from a most enjoyable Geek Dinner (about which more later) at which I boldly boasted to have a list of the worst band names known to man…SO…you know your names..here is the list as promised (courtesy of my friend Spike).

I feel it only fair at this point to issue a challenge…do you know of a band with a name that should grace this list? If not, why not make one up? We shall have a leeetle contest, and I shall send the winner a free…um…handy-multipurpose-kitchenutensil-which-is-gathering-dust- under- my-sink-cos-I-haven’t-figured-out-what-it-does-yet!!! Yaaaay!! (OK forgive me I’m totally hyper, I’ve just had 10 cups of like, seriously strong coffee..wheeeeeeee!)

RIGHT: Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:

[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara’s Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap’n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady’s Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d’Amour

[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan

[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler’s Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie’s Mouse

[ i ]
· Inhale Mary

[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah’s Waitresses
· Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan’s Knees

[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God

[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl’s Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler’s Brain

[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration

[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan’s Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock

[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy’s Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We’re Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies

[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow’s Head

[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
· Yoko Homo

[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT…

// July 29th, 2008 // 21 Comments » // humour, lists, quotes, random madness

Sometimes bad English is so bad that it’s good. In honour of all those writers who were never destined to make it past the first line, the English department at San Jose State University runs a yearly contest named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton (1803-1873) whose name is synonymous with poor writing.

According to Wikipedia, the said baron actually coined the well known phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword”, – in his case it was probably a very little sword, more of a letter-opener, methinks.

Most infamously, he brought us that introductory line, beloved of nursery tale tellers worldwide… “It was a dark and stormy night.”

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

–Edward George Bulwer-Lytton(1830)

Here follow 10 winners (I’m not sure which year these are from – can anyone help?) of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA “Dark and Stormy Night Contest” wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) “As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.”

9) “Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.”

8 ) “With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.”

7) “Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: ‘Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep.’”

6) “Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.”

5) “Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.”

4) “Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.”

3) “Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.”

2) “Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear’; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death – in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.”

AND THE WINNER IS…

1) “The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, ‘You lied!”

Liked this? For more academic silliness, check out BLINDED BY SCIENCE

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

// July 16th, 2008 // 36 Comments » // humour, lists, quotes, random madness

Just received these in an email and couldn’t resist putting them up here. These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, including some gems from three of my favorite linguists Winston Churchill, Oscar Wilde and Benjamin Disraeli

_________________________________________________________________________

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

An exchange between John Wilkes and the Earl of Sandwich (both English Parliamentarians of the 18th century):

–Wilkes: “That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your women.” (thanks to Nick for the correction!)

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -
Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

Related post >> It was a dark and stormy night…