wikidknickers

I’M A DICK

// August 13th, 2010 // No Comments » // funness, humour

I don’t know where it came from, but kudo’s to you, I nearly spat out my coffee.

HIGH TIMES

// June 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

I really wish this was real, but it ain’t. Which is totally beside the point because it totally cracks me up. It features a reporter attempting serious journalism, while standing downwind from an operation to burn piles of confiscated marijuana. Downwind, yes…

Thanks to Gwen for the email.

LIVE AND LEARN

// May 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // funness, humour

I often think a teacher’s job is one of the most under-appreciated on the planet. Having done my stint as a tutor at varsity, I can say that while there were a few little sods I would gladly have stabbed with their scalpels, it was one of the most rewarding jobs I’ve ever had. It is the little sods in question though, who certainly drove me to crave that pint at the UCT pub after work, and who are the engineers of some of the classics listed below. I know they have been floating around forever but they still crack me up and now they can crack you up too

This tribute to teachers is in honour of Annie B, a lifelong friend of my parents who passed away last week. I was immensely fond of Anne, and she died in terribly sad circumstances, unaware I think, of the impact she had on others how much we cared for her. Anne was a teacher, she was a large, loud lady who smoked like a chimney and had a laugh like a buzzsaw.

I always looked forward to her visits to South Africa, which had dwindled to naught in the last few years. Toward the end of her career, she couldn’t stand in front of the class any more and for the last few years, taught from an armchair upfront. Nevertheless and despite the madness of the British education system, her students loved her. I can only imagine what she was like as a teacher , and wish I could have been one of her pupils – she must have enriched so many lives.

Here’s to you Anne…

“A good teacher is like a candle – it consumes itself to light the way for others.”

OF BEDPANS AND BUILDING BRICKS…

// March 30th, 2010 // No Comments » // funness, humour

So, as a proud supporter of the Russian Ballet and someone who lives in a city which is now home to the world’s largest bedpan, I thought I’d share the latest great ad for the FIFA World Cup…. (dear god, I hope this wasn’t taken in Cape Town )

As one of the underwhelmed minority, I probably stand to be assassinated for not caring that the World Cup FIFA marketing machine has come to Suck South Africa dry in 2 months time, leaving her drained of blood after 3 weeks like the tragicomic virgin in a vampire satire.

I find it puerile and distasteful the way some people are taking to soccer as though by faking enthusiasm, they too will magically be bathed in the light of the ‘money rainbow’ which will instantly sweep the nation when Johny England with wife and two snot-nosed brats hits the shore.

Newsflash okes: the only people who are going to be making money off the cup are rich already!

How I resisted the urge to dig a hole in my back yard and build myself a concrete bunker in which to hide with my PC for that month, is anyone’s guess. Now that the dreaded thing draws even closer, I’ll NEVER get the planning permission in time…

COWS, AND OTHER KAK

// February 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // business, funness, humour, random madness

Today’s theme is COWS, kiddies. For 3 reasons

1. I awoke to this year under a warm steamy pile of cow poo, which appears to be getting bigger faster than I can dig myself out of it. Tomorrow I shall be provided a periscope from my employer in order to see exactly how many more cows’ bottoms are aligned and ready to poop. I am as excited as a very small, furry excited thing, I can tell you. (And everything hippies say about little freezing swallows and warm piles of cow poo? Absolute bollocks – it’s a KAK place to be)

2. I have a strange love of all things bovine (for reasons unknown to me), including the little drawing on the left (artist unknown, but much respected)

3. I was sent this email today – it’s done the rounds a zillion times in a zillion formats, but I particularly like the inclusion of Australia in this version.

Finance for non-financial Managers OR A million ways to worry a cow.

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You make biltong…

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
• You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You go on strike because you want three cows.
• They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime’ and steal someone else’s cows and shoot their owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

• A farmer has two cows.
• You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the  milk.
• You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• Both are mad.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You pray to them for food.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
• You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
• You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

• You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
• You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You have 300 people milking them.
• You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  The one on the left is kinda cute…

My felicitous pericombobulations to you all…

// January 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // dirt on the author, funness, humour

Yes, I have been watching Blackadder. I received the full giftbox set for Christmas from my beloved brother, who shall forevermore be in my good graces, and have been watching non stop since then (the two words used in this post title are from the episode in which Blackadder attempts to piss off Samuel Johnson by creating words that don’t appear in his dictionary…for those who needed reminding. For the uninitiated…..get off this blog and initiate yourselves damn you, and don’t come back until you know all the words of the little goblin song, or you shall have a spanking and no cake.)

Due to some, shall we say, ‘unusual’ circumstances at work, I have been working from home for nearly 2 months now and while I haven’t had much of a holiday over the festive season as certain matters remain unresloved, I have had the time to put together an online portfolio (which I have been meaning to do for aaages) You can see it HERE (you lucky thing, you!).

You will notice I still have to design a header for this blog, about which I’ve been very lazy (so what’s new?) But I promise it is almost next on my list of things to do (after unblocking the drains, sanding down the skirting boards and milking the family cow).

Most of my new year’s resolutions came somewhere close to being fulfilled last year.

1. I did go back to the gymn (for a while) until I didn’t go back often enough and they cancelled my membership. I bought myself a new membership for Christmas, and intend to stubbornly stick to my guns this time.

2. I tried to eschew negative people and negative vibes, and the minute I presented the universe with that challenge, I was roundly bitchslapped (remember, we don’t get to choose all the people we have to interact with).

3. Found plenty of sunshine, especially in the last month, and am now toasty brown

4. I came very close to buying my dream bike…that carrot still is still dangling, but dangling much closer.

5. What I DID do right, was quit smoking (4 and a half months ago) and as of Thursday the 7th, won’t have touched alcohol in 2 years!

SO…  This year:

1. Keep up the gymn, try to stick to a healthy diet.

2. Remember you can’t avoid negative people and negative vibes, but you can choose whether they become blips on your radar or flies in your Evian.

3. Buy the goddamn motorcycle and get the hell out of town more often!

Love to you all peeps – hope this new decade (if it is a new decade) meets and exceeds your wishes and expectations. 2009 was a year with a great deal of breakage, damage and sudden pain for me – Kali stepped up to the plate and went to with her chainsaw. If the cycle has its way, I can only hope that 2010 will be a year of healing, restoration and creation.

I leave you for now with this AWESOME cartoon clip given to me by a friend today, which has to do with cats and flies and love and furniture and stuff…

DEATHWISH 1: ADMINISTERING MEDICINE TO A CAT

// December 4th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

3) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down side of ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

5) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Hummell figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down cat’s throat through drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

7) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

8 ) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Remove last pill from foil-wrap.

9) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat’s mouth open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

10) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

11)Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

WHICH DIRECTION IS NORTH IN SOUTH AFRICA? A FIFA IDIOT’S GUIDE

// November 19th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness, humour, random madness

Again, apologies for not posting for ages..I know my whole 3 readers have really really missed me …you have , right? Guys?…Guys?………uys…………uys…..…..s?

What with extreme insanity in my life right now, I’m finding it fucking hard to smile – I’m seeing a pattern with my posting. When I find something funny enough to pull me out of a really bad space, I have to share it, so here it is….some real and very earnestly expressed concerns from future World Cup 2010 visitors to our wonderful country.

Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup Questions
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website by foreigners around the world and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!). 

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes…

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do..

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.

SO HOW’S YOUR MONDAY SO FAR…?

// October 19th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

I HAD TO

// October 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

BECAUSE IT MADE ME CRY