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ADIOS MUSTACHIO

// November 30th, 2010 // No Comments » // humour, pirates

It is with great jubilation that I bid farewell to Movember and a host of friends whose looks are hovering somewhere between serial killer and paedophile.

As next Movember rolls around (dear god that will be too soon), bear in mind these wise words by Barney Stintson (of ‘How I met your Mother’ fame), from a book that has become a firm fave, The Bro Code (note – a chick can be a Bro if she upholds the ‘articles’ of the Bro Code – read the spoiler here)

“Rule 58. A bro doesn’t grow a moustache.
(Exception: Tom Selleck)”

A belief I have held firm since childhood – moustaches have creeped me out since I can remember. I will, however, have to add:

(Further Exception: Pirates)

So come now guys, whack out the razor and get down with the deforestation, you’ll just never measure up to Tom and unless you come swinging through my living room clutching a panga in your teeth, you’re no pirate either.

The still-attacking cocaine samurai.

// September 27th, 2010 // No Comments » // humour, pirates

This is the funniest line I have read in a long while. It appeared in the article I will post below, in which I will highlight other lines. These are lines which I have stored up for occasions that require raucous laughter in future in the same way a battery might store potential energy.

The article is from my all time favourite top time-wasting website, CRACKED.COM There are few things that will induce me to laugh out loud when no-one else is around – the Cracked writers are one of those things.

6 Insane True Stories Too Awesome for a Chuck Norris Movie

This is Story #1: Attacker is Stumped

Peter Rogers was pounding back a few brews with friends at a pub when he heard someone yell, “There’s the c**t!” Seconds later, he realized he was the “c**t” when he was hit from behind with a hammer.

The hammer-bearer was quickly subdued by staff, but this only left another attacker with a clear path to Rogers. And instead of carrying a hammer, this guy was carrying a samurai sword. That was when Charles Russell, a confessed cocaine addict, smoothly hacked off Roger’s left hand with one clean blow. Witnesses say the hand fell to the floor.

What Happened Next:

Apparently, Rogers didn’t notice that his hand was missing, because his attention was focused on the still attacking cocaine samurai.

Struggling for control, Rogers punched Russell right in the face with his newly hewn stump, raising the bar for testicular fortitude to a level no ordinary man could ever hope to reach. The staff came to Rogers’ aid soon after, and the severed hand was later reattached, possibly by Rogers himself with a blowtorch. So what had initiated the attack in the first place? Somebody told the samurai sword drug addict that Rogers had insulted Russell’s mother.

Fair enough.

LAUGH ‘O THE DAY

// November 21st, 2008 // 1 Comment » // humour, pirates, random madness

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel in the front of his pants.

The barman asks him :”Hey! Do you know that you have a ship’s steering wheel in the front of your pants?”

The pirate responds:” AAARRRRRR! It drives me nuts!”