My felicitous pericombobulations to you all…

// January 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // dirt on the author, funness, humour

Yes, I have been watching Blackadder. I received the full giftbox set for Christmas from my beloved brother, who shall forevermore be in my good graces, and have been watching non stop since then (the two words used in this post title are from the episode in which Blackadder attempts to piss off Samuel Johnson by creating words that don’t appear in his dictionary…for those who needed reminding. For the uninitiated…..get off this blog and initiate yourselves damn you, and don’t come back until you know all the words of the little goblin song, or you shall have a spanking and no cake.)

Due to some, shall we say, ‘unusual’ circumstances at work, I have been working from home for nearly 2 months now and while I haven’t had much of a holiday over the festive season as certain matters remain unresloved, I have had the time to put together an online portfolio (which I have been meaning to do for aaages) You can see it HERE (you lucky thing, you!).

You will notice I still have to design a header for this blog, about which I’ve been very lazy (so what’s new?) But I promise it is almost next on my list of things to do (after unblocking the drains, sanding down the skirting boards and milking the family cow).

Most of my new year’s resolutions came somewhere close to being fulfilled last year.

1. I did go back to the gymn (for a while) until I didn’t go back often enough and they cancelled my membership. I bought myself a new membership for Christmas, and intend to stubbornly stick to my guns this time.

2. I tried to eschew negative people and negative vibes, and the minute I presented the universe with that challenge, I was roundly bitchslapped (remember, we don’t get to choose all the people we have to interact with).

3. Found plenty of sunshine, especially in the last month, and am now toasty brown

4. I came very close to buying my dream bike…that carrot still is still dangling, but dangling much closer.

5. What I DID do right, was quit smoking (4 and a half months ago) and as of Thursday the 7th, won’t have touched alcohol in 2 years!

SO…  This year:

1. Keep up the gymn, try to stick to a healthy diet.

2. Remember you can’t avoid negative people and negative vibes, but you can choose whether they become blips on your radar or flies in your Evian.

3. Buy the goddamn motorcycle and get the hell out of town more often!

Love to you all peeps – hope this new decade (if it is a new decade) meets and exceeds your wishes and expectations. 2009 was a year with a great deal of breakage, damage and sudden pain for me – Kali stepped up to the plate and went to with her chainsaw. If the cycle has its way, I can only hope that 2010 will be a year of healing, restoration and creation.

I leave you for now with this AWESOME cartoon clip given to me by a friend today, which has to do with cats and flies and love and furniture and stuff…

DEATHWISH 1: ADMINISTERING MEDICINE TO A CAT

// December 4th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

3) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down side of ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

5) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Hummell figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down cat’s throat through drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

7) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

8 ) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Remove last pill from foil-wrap.

9) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat’s mouth open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

10) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

11)Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

WHICH DIRECTION IS NORTH IN SOUTH AFRICA? A FIFA IDIOT’S GUIDE

// November 19th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness, humour, random madness

Again, apologies for not posting for ages..I know my whole 3 readers have really really missed me …you have , right? Guys?…Guys?………uys…………uys…..…..s?

What with extreme insanity in my life right now, I’m finding it fucking hard to smile – I’m seeing a pattern with my posting. When I find something funny enough to pull me out of a really bad space, I have to share it, so here it is….some real and very earnestly expressed concerns from future World Cup 2010 visitors to our wonderful country.

Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup Questions
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website by foreigners around the world and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!). 

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes…

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do..

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.

SO HOW’S YOUR MONDAY SO FAR…?

// October 19th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

I HAD TO

// October 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

BECAUSE IT MADE ME CRY

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

// September 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized, humour, lists

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation – just remember, it could have been worse. I cannot stand them myself and have firmly held opionions that what goes down should come up as well. Business in this country sadly hasn’t quite grasped the concept of bottom-up performance assessments as opposed to the usual top-down variety (you know what they say about monkeys, trees and management?). This trend is most likely a directive straight from government, who are most eager to avoid careful  examination by those monkeys at the bottom of the tree.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations (or so it says in ther email sent to me this morning, which cheered me up no end) ENJOY…

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed”.

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together..”

11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ‘60-minutes’.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”

33. “Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn’t looking”

HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD? PATRONISE AT YOUR PERIL, BOYS

// August 18th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, marketing

Hey blogverse – it’s been frikken ages since my last post, and I can only excuse myself by saying that I’ve been up to absolutely no good. Today I received this and as I’m giving up smoking at the moment, I’m very in touch with my inner bitch and I couldn’t resist posting it.

It is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products (read: sanitary pads). It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Just a word to the wise Mr Thatcher…you’re lucky the complaint was in written form. If she’d been in the same room as you, you’d probably be a testicle or two short by now.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . .

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

HEAVY SLEEPER?

// June 27th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // funness

The best alarm clock ever? I can totally relate to this guy’s problem – I have massive issues getting up in the morning. If it weren’t for the sound of the air-compressor, I’d seriously consider giving him a call.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

// June 13th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour, marketing, politics

So the Department of Local Government and Housing in Gauteng took out the following half -page ad in the Sowetan yesterday (probably costing tens of thousands of rands?), advertising the free electricity they would be providing. Now I’m not trying to be disparaging (well, yes I am actually, but only a little bit), but really – that was the only picture you could find? Epic marketing fail!

It was the source of many a throaty chuckle at the office – could it be that this dimly lit promise is a portent of the delivery we are to expect from the ANC in the next 5 years? Only time will tell I guess…

WEB AFRICA TO THE RESCUE (AGAIN)

// May 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // geek stuff

So I’ve had my week’s worth of being mostly unconscious, and am almost ready to rejoin the blogoshphere (if only to get that damn picture off my homepage – there’s only so much one can take of David Hasslehoff’s crotch).

As you will see, the blog has yet another template and a shiny new host in Web Africa – the switchover was pretty disastrous (and more than this I shall not mention for fear of inventing new swearwords – suffice to say, nothing to do with them and mostly to do with my not backing up regularly enough plus a hearty dose of  miscommunication) and my whole database was inadvertently jettisoned into cyberspace. Fortunately for me, these guys were really on the ball and helped me restore it within 24 hrs, not to mention being super-friendly and very patient with the n00b I am.

A couple of hiccups later, and all is as it should be. The theme, and I know there’s still a lot of orange (I like orange, OK – my genes were spliced in the 70’s), is in it’s infancy, and I intend to do much experimentation and adding of exciting new plugins and widgets. The quotes widget, which I totally love, and which didn’t seem to work with my last template is now mostly working and will be updated frequently. There are many things about the blog and theme which need work, I do know this and I am working on it (when I have time), but any feedback or comments would be much appreciated.

That’s it for now…a really big THANKS to Web Africa for all their help in restoring my database – you get the superhero-of-the-week award. Thanks also to Jayx for hosting up till now.