wikidknickers

WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?

// August 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // funness, wow

Thanks to Nettle for the mail..

I’M A DICK

// August 13th, 2010 // No Comments » // funness, humour

I don’t know where it came from, but kudo’s to you, I nearly spat out my coffee.

HIGH TIMES

// June 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // humour, random madness

I really wish this was real, but it ain’t. Which is totally beside the point because it totally cracks me up. It features a reporter attempting serious journalism, while standing downwind from an operation to burn piles of confiscated marijuana. Downwind, yes…

Thanks to Gwen for the email.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGE

// May 16th, 2010 // No Comments » // politics, random madness, the deep stuff

Note: Political correctness goes out the window here, so disappear if you’re likely to get precious

I was channel-surfing the other day and happened upon the Jerry Springer show (which I still maintain is a great way to feel better about yourself and the fact you don’t come from the American South – unless you do, that is…). I lingered a while as a large trailer-dwelling lady launched herself at a tiny tattooed man who had been sleeping with her rotund and by this stage, half naked, husband. Snap to Jerry looking bemused, and suddenly a dude climbs onto the stage on his hands. With no lower half. Literally – half a dude, walking on his hands, holding an envelope for Jerry.

After 2 intolerably boring weeks of recuperation, this shit stopped me in my tracks and I was forced to do some Googling. Turns out the guy’s name is Kenny Easterday and he works on the show as ‘The Messenger’ (bit of an ominous name, or do I watch too many horror flicks?). Anyway, Kenny (more pics here, for the  rubberneckers) is in his mid-30′s, has never used prosthetics and has just fathered a child (yes, that bit is normal, according to his fiancée).

Given the choice I am someone who would rather look and acknowledge than turn away in pity, although it seems to be increasingly in human nature to get all bleeding heart liberal and ultimately patronise the shit out of the disabled. As someone who has their own little genetic cross to bear, I saw the ugly end of discrimination working for the Democratic Alliance (particularly ironic at the hands of a political party who claims to oppose it).

Kenny’s story led me to www.phreeque.com which as a lover of all things bizarre, I found totally fascinating. The site features what the author terms ‘frank discussions and vivid images of human beings with birth defects, many of whom were at one time exhibited for profit’, including bearded ladies (who knew?! I thought they were shaved bears), alligator-skinned men, lobster-men, 3-legged people and conjoined twins.

According to the author, most of these people were highly intelligent, sensitive individuals. The vast majority married (often within the carnival communities) and many had children where their deformities allowed. With a few utterly tragic exceptions, most chose to be exhibited, and generally they made a shiteload of cash (compared to their uneducated peers) – enough to support families and buy property. As babies not many of these people were expected to live long. Given a life with others within the sideshows and carnivals, they generally seem to have prospered to old age. Despite how difficult a life it must have been, I have to wonder whether being with others similarly disabled was a happier existence than braving such disability alone.

Judging from the amount of hate-mail the site gets, people seem to think they have a god-given right to champion the disabled, whether they ask for it or not – I didn’t see any disabled people actually weighing in there. Laws have been implemented in some countries, preventing people from exhibiting their deformities, preventing shows and exhibitions. In other countries, the odd sideshow still happens, including a tribute to these folks by cirque du soliel. In a world so mad people are getting arrested for selling goldfish to children, what does ‘politically correct’ even mean any more?

Now of course we don’t need the the freak shows, we have daytime television instead. In today’s media-dominated, image obsessed world with its mass-propagated ideas of perfection, exploitation of strangeness has worsened and I suspect the sense of isolation felt by the truly different has too.

LIVE AND LEARN

// May 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // funness, humour

I often think a teacher’s job is one of the most under-appreciated on the planet. Having done my stint as a tutor at varsity, I can say that while there were a few little sods I would gladly have stabbed with their scalpels, it was one of the most rewarding jobs I’ve ever had. It is the little sods in question though, who certainly drove me to crave that pint at the UCT pub after work, and who are the engineers of some of the classics listed below. I know they have been floating around forever but they still crack me up and now they can crack you up too

This tribute to teachers is in honour of Annie B, a lifelong friend of my parents who passed away last week. I was immensely fond of Anne, and she died in terribly sad circumstances, unaware I think, of the impact she had on others how much we cared for her. Anne was a teacher, she was a large, loud lady who smoked like a chimney and had a laugh like a buzzsaw.

I always looked forward to her visits to South Africa, which had dwindled to naught in the last few years. Toward the end of her career, she couldn’t stand in front of the class any more and for the last few years, taught from an armchair upfront. Nevertheless and despite the madness of the British education system, her students loved her. I can only imagine what she was like as a teacher , and wish I could have been one of her pupils – she must have enriched so many lives.

Here’s to you Anne…

“A good teacher is like a candle – it consumes itself to light the way for others.”

FRESH CARNAGE

// May 10th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // dirt on the author, lists, marketing

In honour of my failing pain meds, a non-stop marathon of Law and Order SVU  and the devious douchebags I used to work for, I have decided on a nice bloodspatter reskin for the blog. Seriously folks, after the balding psychopath manager (am I the only one who finds hair loss more disturbing on a woman?), the conniving fucks in our HR department and my exploding gallbladder, I think I’ve fulfilled my “shit I have to put up with” quota for this year.

I have found sanity and freedom in going freelance and doing the jobs I want to do, rather than taking orders from the likes of menopausal mary. I must admit to getting a jolly dose of shadenfreude at seeing the shocking standards of the design work that have  prospered in my absence…courtesy of our HR director’s daughter I’m told! (Can you spell nepotism? Oh It’s OK if the DA does it…its just when the ANC gets away with it that it becomes an issue.) I must say, life is a lot warmer down here in reality… far away from the that mythical terrain, the moral higher ground, that the DA grubs to occupy.

I also get to spend a lot more time doing the things I want to do, and one of those things is Cracked.com. I swear this site has improved my recovery speed and is not only prime A-grade time-wasting gold, but is actually quite informative (assuming you find knowing the 6 most horrid ways to die as useful as I do), as well as having a name I can totally relate to.

Here, courtesy of my now non-existent gallbladder, are my 10 fave articles for the last few months:

8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk

7 Man-Made Substances that Laugh in the Face of Physics

6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)

12 ‘Sexy’ Ads That Will Give You Nightmares

The 5 Creepiest Unsolved Crimes Nobody Can Explain

6 Real People Who Turned Their Homes Into Death Traps

and the cherry on top….

Twilight – making vampires gay since 2005

OF BEDPANS AND BUILDING BRICKS…

// March 30th, 2010 // No Comments » // funness, humour

So, as a proud supporter of the Russian Ballet and someone who lives in a city which is now home to the world’s largest bedpan, I thought I’d share the latest great ad for the FIFA World Cup…. (dear god, I hope this wasn’t taken in Cape Town )

As one of the underwhelmed minority, I probably stand to be assassinated for not caring that the World Cup FIFA marketing machine has come to Suck South Africa dry in 2 months time, leaving her drained of blood after 3 weeks like the tragicomic virgin in a vampire satire.

I find it puerile and distasteful the way some people are taking to soccer as though by faking enthusiasm, they too will magically be bathed in the light of the ‘money rainbow’ which will instantly sweep the nation when Johny England with wife and two snot-nosed brats hits the shore.

Newsflash okes: the only people who are going to be making money off the cup are rich already!

How I resisted the urge to dig a hole in my back yard and build myself a concrete bunker in which to hide with my PC for that month, is anyone’s guess. Now that the dreaded thing draws even closer, I’ll NEVER get the planning permission in time…

COWS, AND OTHER KAK

// February 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // business, funness, humour, random madness

Today’s theme is COWS, kiddies. For 3 reasons

1. I awoke to this year under a warm steamy pile of cow poo, which appears to be getting bigger faster than I can dig myself out of it. Tomorrow I shall be provided a periscope from my employer in order to see exactly how many more cows’ bottoms are aligned and ready to poop. I am as excited as a very small, furry excited thing, I can tell you. (And everything hippies say about little freezing swallows and warm piles of cow poo? Absolute bollocks – it’s a KAK place to be)

2. I have a strange love of all things bovine (for reasons unknown to me), including the little drawing on the left (artist unknown, but much respected)

3. I was sent this email today – it’s done the rounds a zillion times in a zillion formats, but I particularly like the inclusion of Australia in this version.

Finance for non-financial Managers OR A million ways to worry a cow.

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You make biltong…

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
• You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You go on strike because you want three cows.
• They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime’ and steal someone else’s cows and shoot their owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

• A farmer has two cows.
• You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the  milk.
• You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• Both are mad.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You pray to them for food.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
• You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
• You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

• You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
• You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You have 300 people milking them.
• You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  The one on the left is kinda cute…

My felicitous pericombobulations to you all…

// January 5th, 2010 // No Comments » // dirt on the author, funness, humour

Yes, I have been watching Blackadder. I received the full giftbox set for Christmas from my beloved brother, who shall forevermore be in my good graces, and have been watching non stop since then (the two words used in this post title are from the episode in which Blackadder attempts to piss off Samuel Johnson by creating words that don’t appear in his dictionary…for those who needed reminding. For the uninitiated…..get off this blog and initiate yourselves damn you, and don’t come back until you know all the words of the little goblin song, or you shall have a spanking and no cake.)

Due to some, shall we say, ‘unusual’ circumstances at work, I have been working from home for nearly 2 months now and while I haven’t had much of a holiday over the festive season as certain matters remain unresloved, I have had the time to put together an online portfolio (which I have been meaning to do for aaages) You can see it HERE (you lucky thing, you!).

You will notice I still have to design a header for this blog, about which I’ve been very lazy (so what’s new?) But I promise it is almost next on my list of things to do (after unblocking the drains, sanding down the skirting boards and milking the family cow).

Most of my new year’s resolutions came somewhere close to being fulfilled last year.

1. I did go back to the gymn (for a while) until I didn’t go back often enough and they cancelled my membership. I bought myself a new membership for Christmas, and intend to stubbornly stick to my guns this time.

2. I tried to eschew negative people and negative vibes, and the minute I presented the universe with that challenge, I was roundly bitchslapped (remember, we don’t get to choose all the people we have to interact with).

3. Found plenty of sunshine, especially in the last month, and am now toasty brown

4. I came very close to buying my dream bike…that carrot still is still dangling, but dangling much closer.

5. What I DID do right, was quit smoking (4 and a half months ago) and as of Thursday the 7th, won’t have touched alcohol in 2 years!

SO…  This year:

1. Keep up the gymn, try to stick to a healthy diet.

2. Remember you can’t avoid negative people and negative vibes, but you can choose whether they become blips on your radar or flies in your Evian.

3. Buy the goddamn motorcycle and get the hell out of town more often!

Love to you all peeps – hope this new decade (if it is a new decade) meets and exceeds your wishes and expectations. 2009 was a year with a great deal of breakage, damage and sudden pain for me – Kali stepped up to the plate and went to with her chainsaw. If the cycle has its way, I can only hope that 2010 will be a year of healing, restoration and creation.

I leave you for now with this AWESOME cartoon clip given to me by a friend today, which has to do with cats and flies and love and furniture and stuff…

DEATHWISH 1: ADMINISTERING MEDICINE TO A CAT

// December 4th, 2009 // No Comments » // humour

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

3) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down side of ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

5) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Hummell figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down cat’s throat through drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

7) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

8 ) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Remove last pill from foil-wrap.

9) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat’s mouth open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

10) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

11)Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.